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My Grilling Life – Jani Allan

~ Sautéing and Satire. Blue Jasmine story about someone who was a household name in South Africa who becomes a waitress in New Jersey.

My Grilling Life – Jani Allan

Tag Archives: Cape Talk

The Soundtrack of my Life

07 Wednesday Jan 2015

Posted by janiallan in Jani Allan

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Cape Talk, cape town, classical music, Hillbrow, johannesburg, pop music, queen, Stan Katz

My mother advised me that Tchaikovsky was ‘chocolate box’ music.

Jani Allan grew up in a household where pop music was banned. She was raised on a strict diet of Chopin and Hanon. At ten she was a classical pianist and child prodigy. Stan Katz played her the Bee Gees every morning on 702 during their courtship. She set the soundtrack when she returned to South Africa as a talk-show host on Cape Talk.


Music expresses the quintessence of life and its events. It is precisely this universality that gives music the high worth that it has as the panacea for all our woes.

Forget paracetamol and don’t even think about calling the doctor: listening to Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody, so they say, is the quick route to feeling better.

According to a survey carried out to mark BBC Radio 2’s Faith in the World Week, whose theme was the “healing power of music” in a poll of 1,000 people, nearly 90% of respondents agreed that listening to music can make people feel perkier when they are sick or are under the cosh.

Music speaks crescendissimo about the civilisation in which it is birthed.

Mozart perfectly reflects the polished perfection of Salzburg. Don Giovanni is a direct reflection of the culture in which it was created.

“What is their music?” is the question asked in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. In some way, knowing ‘their music’ enables you to know them.

The dictionary describes music as “an art form consisting of sound and silence, expressed through time. It is a system for writing musical sounds with their pitch, rhythm, timing, volume, and tonality.”

That’s the clinical definition.

According to Schopenhauer music “stands alone, quite cut off from all the other arts.”

“Music affects the innermost nature of man powerfully. It is deeply understood by him in his most secret consciousness.”

Music’s power, according to Schopenhauer, lies in the fact that in music we do not recognize the copy or repetition of any idea that exists in the world.

This is why the effect of music is much more powerful and penetrating than that of the other arts, for they speak only of shadows, but it speaks of the thing itself.”

Our imagination is so easily excited by music, and now seeks to give form to that invisible yet actively moved spirit world which speaks to us directly, and to clothe it with flesh and blood, i. e. to embody it in an analogous example. Which is a great misconception and a piece of utter perversity;

Cintra Wilson once said

‘You can hear the longing for fame in your stomach when listening to your favourite music; you can feel your spirit reaching towards your ultimate greatness, and the intrinsic undertow of millions of arms reaching out to embrace you, begging for you to come into their love….”

Music can indeed make you unfold like a flower fast-forwarding in a nature video.

**

My mother was a classical music snob. My first musical memory must be when I put my hand through the mangle of the washing machine. My mother first put Chopin’s Preludes on the record player and then me on her lap.

“Listen to that piano playing,” she ordered.

Alfred Cortot’s brilliant technique sliced Chopin into lacework which swirled around the room.

When I began to play the piano I was astonished to realize that black marks on a staff, when interpreted, could make one’s heart sing or weep depending on the intervals. Perfect fourth. Optimism. Perfect Fifth. Triumph. Minor third. Uncertainty.

I would dance around the sitting room in my pink ballet tights and matching pink headband to Tchaikovsky. My mother tolerated it but advised me that Tchaikovsky was ‘chocolate box’ music. The musical equivalent of Tretchikoff.

Recently Lana Del Rey sang Once Upon a Dream to the music of Tchaikovsky and all the satin ballet slipper memories came glissando-ing to me.

**Binder1_Page_2 (1)

Growing up, I was not allowed to listen to pop music. My days were devoted to two hours of Hanon (for technique) and a further two of practicing the piano. When I was 16, on my way home from a piano lesson, I bought my first seven single. It was  “See Emily Play” by Pink Floyd. It was an act of rebellion.

After lights out I would listen to John Berks broadcasting out of Lourenco Marques on my transistor radio hidden under my pillow.

He played ‘Papa was a Rolling Stone,’ by the Temptations (I loved the way he talked over the opening bars), Matthew and Son and ‘Never my Love” by the Association.

On Friday nights there were what were called ‘sessions’ at the Lemon Squeezer in Victory Park. A band called The Staccatos sang ‘Cry to me’ and the Peanut Butter Conspiracy closed the evening with ‘In the Midnight Hour.”

Eventually my mother gave up trying to stop me listening to pop and admitted that ‘Obladi Oblada’ was quite catchy. She also liked ‘Eleanor’ by the Turtles.

My memories of Hillbrow were driving in the car with the top down and listening to Talking Heads ‘Swamp” on our way to see Ella Mental or Via Afrika or Johnny Clegg and Sipho Mnchunu. Hillbrow was edgy but not dangerous.  Someone once offered to sell me some grass. I thought he meant a grass mat. Later I would listen to Otis Waygood Blues band and of course Alvin Lee, the fastest guitar player in the world, The Allman Brothers, Rodrigues, Cream…

There was a curious innocence in our jorling.

**

When I was sent on assignment to Cape Town there was the thrill – it never grew old – of landing at D.F. Malan, finding a hire car and putting on The Cars ‘Heart Beat’ City.

Once I saw George Benson in Cascais. I became quite emotional and had to remind myself to breathe when he sang ‘In Your Eyes.’ That was back in the day. These days I am more Leonard Cohen than George Benson.

Now I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew her
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

A Canadian writing the musical narration of the biblical tale of David and Bathsheba. Now that’s what I call music.

The most exhilarating music of all was that played at the Last Night of the Proms which is held at the Royal Albert Hall every end of summer. There is wit and funning in ‘Sea Shanties” and gungho British nationalism in Land of Hope and Glory. You’d have to be tired of life not to respond to this music on a visceral level.

**

When I was dating Stan Katz and he was station manager of Radio 702, he would play me a song every morning on his show.

It was the Bee Gees – You Win Again.

As my playout song on Cape Talk I decided on ‘United we Stand’ by the Brotherhood of Man.’

For united we stand
Divided we fall
And if our backs should ever be against the wall
We’ll be together, together, you and I…

I was sanguine about the country in those days.

Write in and share the soundtrack of your life.

Germs, Gross and Abuse

15 Saturday Jun 2013

Posted by janiallan in Jani Allan, My Grilling Life

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Tags

Cape Talk, Cruelty to animals, iPhone, McDonalds, Michael Douglas, Pom, Taco Bell, United States

The three words I see most in America are ”Made in China.” The three words I hear are ”Ew. How gross.”

In the same week that Michael Douglas overshared with us about why he has cancer, we read that a Taco Bell employee was fired for licking a ziggurat of taco shells.

The general response to the former was mild, but the latter caused outrage among the chefs.

How disgusting. I wouldn’t want to eat anything someone had licked.

But, said I, the devil’s advocate, what about when you kiss someone?

Oooooh that’s different.

Gross is a blanket term that covers everything except things that I find gross. My grossometer is clearly out of whack.

Gross can even refer to a colour. As in ”How gross are those orange sweat pants.”

I can’t get a handle on what Americans find disgusting and repulsive. Or what they find abusive.

As far as I can tell they are horrified by dogs anywhere near the restaurant. Yet they are OK with changing a baby’s diaper on the banquet in full view of other diners. They are perfectly OK with belching and Chaucerian farts.

There is a frenetic germophobia in the restaurant where I work.

The servers have elaborate methods of marking their water glasses. Perish the thought you could accidentally swig from someone else’s glass. EW. They are constantly wiping their hands with sanitizer.

They are horrified at the thought of picking a napkin off the carpeted floor….horrified by putting a basket of rolled up silverware on the floor….it’s in the basket not on the floor for heaven’s sake. Yet they will prod every bread roll in the oven before putting it in a basket to be served.

In America even the wafers at Roman Catholic churches come in sterilized, sanitized little sachets. They want to meet their Maker. But not yet.

As for going to the supermarket – the trolleys are equipped with hand sanitizers and the proadeuce (sic) has to be approached with tongs and plastic gloves and little sheets of paper. I can remember buying fresh bread in South Africa when the warm loaf wore a little paper cummerbund and nothing else.

I stopped going to a local hairdresser a few years ago because they wouldn’t allow me to bring a three-pound Pomeranian who sat in her travelling bag.

There is a clear dividing line between disgusting and unattractive.

Once I saw a large woman doing her business in Victoria Road Clifton. I found that disgusting.

I find people peeing in public disgusting. I find people who hold their knives as though they are expecting to be attacked by a street gang deeply unattractive. As for people who attempt to eat artichokes with a knife and fork – they are just plain silly. Slum prudery, Henry Higgins would have called it.

Then there’s Abuse. Abuse is another can of haricots entirely.

You are not allowed to call someone Chinese. That’s abuse. They have to be referred to as Asian. (Not oriental. That’s a rug.)

You are not allowed to say someone is fat. They are heavy. Calling them fat is abuse.

Which brings me to my little adventurette this week.

Those who have the slightest acquaintance with me will know that I prefer – no FAR prefer- most animals to humans. During my career as a hackette, I have championed the cause of the Lipizzaners (when it seemed that the dressage school would have to shut down because of lack of funds), I have worked – actually people are always said to ”work tirelessly” aren’t they- for Domestic Animal Rescue Group. Together with Ahmed Aloudien we spotlighted the horrors committed on horses during gang initiation in the Cape. The Cape Horse Protection Society garnered considerable support by my bullying listeners on Cape Talk and pointing out the connection between cruelty to animals and murder.

Since coming to States I have written extensively about the decimation of wildlife in Africa.

The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated,’ Gandhi once said.

When a man wantonly destroys a work of art, we call him a vandal. What then, do we call a man who cuts the legs off a horse – or gouges the eyes out of a cow.

What do we call soi-disant ”war veterans” in Zimbabwe who are shooting, snaring , spearing and using landmines to destroy herds of elephant and the endangered Black rhino, cheetah, leopard, antelope and giraffe?

Once, when I had a guest slot on a New York Radio Show with Barry Farber, I called Johnny Rodriguez of the Zimbabwe Conservation Task Force to talk about the mutilation of rhinos.

After the show Bah Fah (as I call him) shook his head sadly.

“They don’t even know where Zimbabwe is. Nor do they care….”

More recently I was introduced to Bill Smith of Main Line Animal Rescue.

MLAR have a huge celebrity support base whose main purpose is to draw attention to the horrific puppy mills (or Poppy Meals as Cesar Milan pronounces it.) The conditions in which animals are kept in dark barns in wire cages no bigger than shoeboxes and forced to breed leaves this hackette at a loss for words, so gut-wrenching it is.

The worst offenders are the Amish in Lancaster County who make millions of dollars a year by selling puppies to pet shops. It is my fervent hope that there will be a special place in hell for these who regard animals merely as cash crops.

I give you this potted history of my involvement and love of animals merely as the backstory.

I have rotten luck with men, but I have been blessed with three Pomeranians. Two are retired American champions. To say that I dote on them is an understatement. They eat only organic chicky wicky, organic broccoli-woccoli and drink Poland Spring distilled water. (Heaven’s I would never give them tap water!)

While I wear schmattas from the Gap, in the winter they have real shearling coats. They have miniature Ugg boots and Italian harnesses.

I spend $80 per Pom for their grooming. (My blow out costs a mere $35….)

They have a sheepskin staircase so that they can ascend and descend from my bed as and when.

I fear I am over-egging the omelette….but I need you to get the Polaroid.

Sunday morning, before work, I raced to the local market to buy some of the aforementioned organic, cage free, no steroids or hormone-fed chicken breasts for the pups.

As is my habit I took all three with me. Breeze sits in a carrier on the front seat, China is on the back seat on a sheepskin pillow and bossy Molly is on my lap.

I parked the car in the shade and left it running with the aircon on high. It was so cold, the Poms teeth were practically chattering. I was gone for all of 10 minutes.

When I returned there was a fat – oops – heavy woman in plaid Bermuda shorts standing a short distance away from my little car. Actually from the back her bottom looked like a covered wagon.

“Its abuse!” she was nasally whining into her iPhone. “Its gross abuse! There’s no other word! The woman has turned up now so I don’t know what she’ll do…but its GROSS and its ABUSE.” Her eyes were flat and malevolent. I felt as though I was being watched by something I had just put in in the garbage.

It took me a few moments to understand that she was calling the police because I was, in her view, abusing my pets by leaving them in the air-conditioned car.

You can’t make this stuff up.

“If you’re concerned about animal abuse, perhaps you should investigate the puppy mill industry ma’am,” I suggested politely.

Privately I thought that given that she had a girth the size of a redwood tree, she was abusing not only the McDonalds, but the Pizza Hut and both Ben and Jerrys. But what do I know?

I drove off and left her still yakking away to the police.

As someone famously said ”You cannot underestimate the intelligence of some people.”

Jani Allan

Jani Allan
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